How to talk teen

From playgrounds to Parliament, everyone is talking about Jamie. 

The Netflix series Adolescence sparked a national conversation about toxic masculinity and the influence of social media on boys.

The response to the story of 13 year old Jamie Miller, played by Owen Cooper, accused of the brutal murder of a female classmate, led to the entertainment giant making it available to all secondary schools to stream for free in Britain.

In the drama, Jamie has low self esteem and is bullied and rejected at school and online. He is labelled an ‘incel’ (involuntary celibate), originally a term for a male who can’t attract a girl sexually, but which has now grown into an online trend promoting misogyny.

Co-writer Stephen Graham, who played Jamie’s dad Eddie, was driven to create the drama after news coverage about violent crimes committed by teenagers.

Speaking to the BBC, father of two Stephen said he hoped that the story would spark discussion between parents and teenagers.

“The show ends with Jamie’s mum and dad sitting in their son’s bedroom. It’s a beautiful analogy - we all need to open the bedroom door a bit wider and be with our kids.”

Even Prime Minister Keir Starmer, father of two teenagers, weighed in. “As I see from my own children, openly talking about changes in how they communicate, the content they’re seeing, and exploring the conversations they’re having with their peers is vital if we are to properly support them in navigating contemporary challenges, and deal with malign influences.”

Stay connected

Consultant psychologist Dr Lisa Marsland-Hall agrees: It's vital parents try to do all they can to keep the metaphorical door open with teenagers”. As lead of the Building Attachment and Bonds Service (BABS) and a mum of four, she understands the importance of connecting with teens who are striving for independence.

“Relationships are everything! They underpin our whole wellbeing. When a child has a good bond with an adult who loves and cares for them, they know they have a ‘safe base' to go to when they need support, which helps them make better choices.

“Teenagers can bring parents headache and heartache.  They want choice and control over their lives, sometimes ahead of what they're mature enough to handle.”

This is compounded by the world of technology families must now navigate. Lisa’s advice for parents is to try to keep up so you can stay connected to your teenagers’ world.

“As well as chatting together over family meals, we keep in touch during the day via texts, voice messages and What’sApp. I joined Instagram so I can follow the kids, share pictures and send each other funny reels. I’m rubbish on the Xbox but I’ll do whatever it takes to stay connected.”

Lisa admits that adolescence can be traumatic for parents, often triggering feelings of loss as children pull away.

“It’s important that we don’t take this rejection personally and keep the bond between us strong. Without it, our children can attach to something or someone else who doesn’t have their best interests at heart.”

“We have to let our teens fly but be there to catch them if they fall.”